Mom Fail

I post a lot of pictures on facebook and instagram and even write posts on this blog that make our little life seem so perfect.  And it is, in more ways than we deserve and most days are just as peachy as the pictures and posts appear to be.  But some days are bummed days -- days you wish you could just start over, and not because you enjoyed them, but because you feel like you needed to give it another go.

 

Today was not a great day.  Today was not even a good day.  I hollered way too often and lost my patience more times than I should have.  I got frustrated and angry way too easily.  So why am I blogging about it?  Why am I choosing to remember days like this?  Because one day, Lucy will hopefully have children of her own, and every day won't be peachy for them, and I want her to know that it's not just her.  That other mom's -- even her own -- went through the same thing.

 

Lucy's almost two -- like, in 51 days almost two -- and she's just recently become VERY independent.  She wants to walk rather than be carried, wants to put on and take off her own shoes, and even wants to climb in her own chair at dinner.  The only time she allows you to help her is when she realizes she has exhausted all of her own options and says "helps."  I LOVE that she has become so independent and self-willed and I really, really, really want to encourage it because in my profession, I see way too many children who can't do for themselves, because their mamas have done for them for so long.  I also want to instill in her that she is capable to do for herself and shouldn't wait around for someone to do for her.  But at the same time, I get so frustrated because as she's learning and experimenting and creating, she's making messes that I can't clean up after fast enough, and hurting herself before I can catch her falls.  And I feel helpless.  I feel like I should be able to clean her messes, encourage her individuality and independence, catch her falls, kiss her boo-boos, help her develop her creativity, show her cause and effect, teach her, read to her, and on and on and on without missing a beat.  And most days -- that's the way it happens.  But not today.

 

Today was a bad day.  But bad days need to happen because they help put me back on track, give me a perspective of what I need to work on, both with her and myself as a mother, and remind me that my life isn't picture perfect -- but rather that it's the imperfections that make it perfect for me. 

 

I love my daughter with half my heart and my husband with the other.  They're all I need -- especially on a bad day.

 

Memorial Day 2013

Today is Memorial Day AND the 1st day of summer vacation!! :)

I am SO excited to spend this summer with Lucy.  Last summer, we were so busy looking for houses, getting ours ready to sell, selling the house, buying our new house, packing our stuff, moving into Cindy & Smiley's, and then into the new house, planning Lucy's 1st birthday party, hosting Lucy's 1st birthday party, and fitting in summer trips that we didn't have much time to just PLAY!!  Besides, Lucy had her helmet, and well... it was just too hot.

This summer though... It's just me and my girl!!  Even though I do have to spend some of my break time going up to the school to move me into my new classroom, most of my days will be spent soaking up the summer sun outside our new house!

Lucy is so cute these days -- every day she is talking more.  I feel like I've said that same thing the last several posts, but it's true.  She's not just repeating us, but talking TO us and it's fantastic!  In fact, just earlier today, I stepped on a nail that was sticking slightly out of the back deck.  I said "Ow!" and kind of hopped a little bit.  She ran straight to me and said "Mama, you foot hurt?" It was the sweetest.  Just a couple of nights ago, we came in from a late night of being outside, and I couldn't remember where I had set my phone down before I started rocking her.  I called out to Chris "Can you find my phone? I think it's in Lucy's room -- or maybe our room."  About four songs in to being rocked, you sat up and said "Where phone, Mommy?" and I said "I don't know." You then asked "Daddy find it?" So I had to ask Chris if he found it, to which he said he did, before you would lay back down -- it was really the sweetest that you tuned into our conversation and cared enough to ask about it for me.  Chris is also building my some bookshelves for my room, we were out in the garage late the other night working on them, and she kept picking up tools, screws, nails, etc. bringing them to us and saying "I helps! Okay!"

Lucy's absolute favorite t.b. (tv) show right now is Blues Clues -- in fact, that's what her birthday party theme is going to be.  It's been off the air for quite some time and so it's been a fun challenge to find items to help decorate the party with.

Lucy asks to sing the "Apple Song" every night after we say her prayers..  She LOVES that song!
Oh, I like red -- it's the color of an apple.
Orange -- it's the color of an orange.
Yellow -- it's the color of our beautiful sun, sun, sun!
Green -- it's the color of the trees & lots of things that grow
We've got blue for the skies
and Purple is a color that's fun, fun, fun!
And when you put those colors side by side, now what do you think we've done?
We've made a rainbow!  And it's a really beautiful one!

Then we sing our nightly routine of songs -- Stay Awake, La La Lu, I love you Lucy Pearl, I love you Little Girl, Somewhere Over The Rainbow, A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes.

During one of the "I love you little girl" song, it names different parts of the body I love on you -- "I love your hair, I love your toes, and I love the way you wrinkle your nose." As I sing them, you point to them on yourself.  Then it says "I love your personality" to which you think I'm saying "teeth" and chomp your teeth together, and then "I love that you were born a she." A lot of times, you like to sing with me and the other night at that part, you sang it with me and said "I love that you were born a SHEEP!"  It was so funny I couldn't keep singing for laughing so hard!

Then the next night, we were singing "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" and you were singing with me and we got to the part that says "Have faith in your dreams and someday" -- well, apparently you thought we sang "Sunday" because you kept going with "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday..." it was again, so funny I had to stop singing and just laugh!

When I laugh at the funny things you do, you'll laugh with me and say "I funny!"

You love playing chase around the house and when we come around a corner you're not expecting us, you'll jump back and laugh and then say "You scared me!"

You adore your new kitty, "Meow" and she adores you, too.  You are so rough with her -- not because you mean to be, but because you don't know.  She just lets you.  You pick her up, upside down, and walk around with her.  Toss her into your car -- to which she immediately jumps out of and you turn around so frustrated and say "MERE CAT!!!" She lets you dump water on her from your new water table, and follows you wherever you go. :)

You are only 22 months old, but you can count to ten (and do it often!), sing your ABCs, recognize every letter of the alphabet, know all of your shapes, all sorts of sounds that animals make, know all of your colors, and have very nice manners -- we couldn't be more proud of you, Cee-Lee! :)

Crazy, Beautiful Life

My life is SO much fun right now!  It is crazy busy for me with nearing the end of the school year at Creekside (18 days left!) and wrapping up assignments in preparation for graduation with my Masters from GCSU, that I barely have time to cook dinner most nights.  In fact, Chris has asked me several times when I'm going to start cooking again... oops! 

 

I also stay SUPER busy playing MOMMY to my favorite almost two-year old.  When did that happen? You were JUST two weeks old!!  I know that this time is going to fly by faster than my heart can beat, and so I GLADLY get on the floor to crawl around with you when you ask me to no matter how bad my kneeds hurt on the hardwood floor or spin around and dance to the "Spin Around" song by The Fresh Beat Band that comes on Nick Jr. tv even after a long day of allergy shots plus a shot with my epi pen.  Because I know that before I know it, you'll be watching shows that Nick Jr. wouldn't dare approve and wanting to dance to songs with motions a lot worse than just spinning around... yikes!

 

Kiki is moving out of her dorm this weekend (again, another heart tug..... ugh! She was JUST two!!) and so Lucy and I went to hang out in her dorm room for a little bit this morning.  On our way back out to the car to come back home, there was a Dad moving his daughter out, too.  He commented on how adorable Lucy was and I just had to quickly dart to the car because I could feel the tears building up from my toes and choking in my throat as I thought "that's going to be Lucy before I know it..."

 

I am so excited to be done with my masters not just because it will be the first time that I've been DONE with school since I started Pre-K 22 years ago, but because it will give me more time with my family.  I can't wait to see what life brings us and especially to see God's plan for Lucy unfold.  She is so precious and I know that He is going to do GREAT things with her life.  But, I want to be able to enjoy every second of it.  So I'm soaking up the snuggles, the "lubb oo's", the "ee you lay-tur!'s" and the sloppy wet, grab the back of my head, smack dab on the lip kisses, and tucking them far deep into my mommy heart where I can pull them back in 14 years when she drives away by herself for the first time, in 16 years when I drop her off at college and part ways with her for a significant amount of time for the first time, or in 20 years when she marries the love of her life. 

 

I'm a sappy ball of tears now.  But I wouldn't have it any other way!

I don't want to forget...

.... and yet I will.  Because I don't blog often enough, or have the best memory in the world.  But I try to capture little moments in my heart that I can't get on camera or blog quickly enough about.  Like the time I dropped you off at daycare in Ms. Wendy's room and just as I was about to exit out of the building, I heard your sweet little voice say "Mommy!" and I turned around and you were peeking your head out of your classroom door, darted out and ran down the hall to give me a hug and said "Bye Bye, Mommy!" then turned to run back in your classroom like a big girl.  Melted. My. Heart!!

I don't want to forget how at 20 months, you:::

• used to say that a duck says "duck duck" (you now say "cack, cack")
• say that a dog makes a panting noise (not a barking sound)
• laugh and say "Achoo" after anyone sneezes
• love to play the "hug game" and run back and forth from person to person (usually your Daddy & I) saying "hug" and giving the BIGGEST and BEST hugs ever!!
• love your lovie and blanket so very much
• love your lovie and blanket so much, you even found their heartbeat -- made me cry because that's how real they are to you :)
• tell me "bye bye" as I lay you down to sleep
• mimick everything your Daddy & I do from putting on deodorant to dancing
• jump out of the bathtub and curl into my arms as I wrap a towel around you and you say "It cold!"
• call yourself "Cee-Lee"
• love to watch "Clue's Clues" (Blue's Clues), "Gabby" (Yo Gabba Gabba), or "Mi-Mouse" (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) on the "T.B." (T.V.)
• talk in your sleep
• ask "What's that?" All.Day.Long.
• stop and drop everything you're doing as soon as the "Spin Around" music video by the Fresh Beat Band comes on TV, and dance the whole routine with your Daddy & I.
• you're scared of the automatic bubble wand -- so innocent and sweet!
• you kiss my lips and cover me up with your lovie when I say I'm cold.
• are so polite and tell people "tan-tu" (thank you) unprompted when they compliment you
• know your shapes (circle "seerkle", square "kares", triangle "trangle", heart "haht", star "stah")
• are starting to count (one, two, one), can recognize the numbers 1 & 2, and show them on your fingers
• can recognize and name the letters: A, B, C, D, E, H, I, K, L, M, O, R, S, T, U, X, Z
• know the colors blue, purple, white, black, red, green, pink, yellow "lellow", and orange (but sometimes get green and pink confused)
• how when you were scared of the thunderstorm the other night, I brought you into bed with me (Daddy was sleeping upstairs because he was sick) and you just laid in bed and talked forever.  When I got up to take you back to bed, I asked you if you wanted to go back to your bed or stay with Mommy and you said "Cee-Lee's pillow.  Mommy's bed."  So we went and got your pillow and you slept the rest of the night in my bed. :)

I don't want to forget... and yet I will, because this isn't even all of what I want to remember to write down.

I love you so much sweet, darling angel!  I wish I could remember it all for you... and for me :)  You are my heart!

Sick Day

Lucy started coming down with a cold Friday afternoon.  I HATE when she gets colds not only because I hate to see my little angel sick, but they seem to last FOR-EH-VER (Sandlot reference, anyone?)!!  There's just nothing she can take until after she's 2 (per Dr. Ivey and Google), so my poor baby just has to suffer through it until it works its way out of her system -- usually about 2-3 weeks.  Yep, weeks.  Of course, Saturday, she developed a cough with it too.  Sunday evening, after she went to bed, she sounded like she was hacking up her lung all night.  Poor thing!  I finally went in there about 4:30 in the morning and just held her so she could sleep sitting up. 

 

I decided when my alarm went off (6:15) that she had not slept good and neither had I and that she probably just needed to take the day off to let her little body rest. Besides, the stomach virus is going around her room at daycare, and I don't want to chance her getting it while her immune system is still so low. So, I texted into work to let them know that she had not slept well due to her cough and that I would be staying home with her.  I predicted she would probably be very lazy and snuggly all day.  Boy, was I wrong!  She woke up wide-eyed and bushy-tailed and has not stopped all morning!!  It's been a fun day, though.  An unexpected day "just me and my girl." 

 

We started the morning by sharing a poptart and drinking our "coffee" (she has hot chocolate). We watched a bit of Blue's Clues, and decided to head into Wal-Mart.  But it was cold outside, so I made the grown-up decision to stop by Starbucks. :)  I got little bit a treat, too -- a birthday cake pop (yum!).  She had devoured it by the time we got to Wal-Mart.  Once there, we had so much fun shopping for things we needed, crafts we could make, and of course had to pick up a toy for the sick one! :)  She picked out a Cookie Monster toy that eats cookies.  We got home, and she looked so tired, so I asked her if she wanted to nap.  She said yes, so I put her in her crib and unloaded the car.  20 minutes later, she was still awake, had thrown all of her toys out of her crib and was saying "Mommy, 'mere!" (Mommy, come here).  I couldn't resist, so I went in and rescued that sweet baby!  We went into the kitchen and opened up her Cookie Monster toy on the floor.  She didn't care for him too much when he was out of the box and moving around asking for cookies.  She did, however, love the three little plastic pretend cookies he came with, and refuses to give them to him.  Ha! 

 

We then went over to the table and did a little art project.  I painted her hand 6 DIFFERENT TIMES to make a rainbow for St. Patrick's Day.  I love that I'm going to have little things like this to cherish for many, many years.  After we were finished, we got down and played in her playroom.  We've read so many books, played with so mamy toys, and even watched The Lion King (her favorite is Zazu -- the "buhd" (bird)).  Everytime Mufasa comes on the screen, she roars at the TV -- so precious!  We finally attempted lunch -- she wasn't hungry, and I laid her down for a nap.  Hopefully in a couple of hours, she will feel even better and we can play the rest of the afternoon away! :)

19 months. Where has the time gone?.

I wish I had more time in the day to write down or blog about all of the funnies that Lucy says and does.  She keeps Chris and I laughing -- daily!!!  So while I have a free moment, I'm going to just jot some random ones down..

You call yourself "Cee-Lee."  No idea where this one came from...

You love corn dogs (you eat them like an ear of corn) and Greek yogurt which you love to feed yourself.

You tell us everyday when you get home from school that you played with Noah and that y'all "cah-luhr."  I asked your teacher, Ms. Wendy if this is true and she that y'all never do, just because they try to make coloring a one-on-one activity with teacher and student.  I told your daddy you've been telling us stories.  So that night, Daddy asked you again who you played with and hat y'all did, and you gave the same answer.  He said "Lucy, you're lyin'!" And you replied "RAWR!" Because you thought he said "lion."  Too funny.

You love to try and go potty and are sometimes successful.  The other day at the eye doctor, you were poopy pants, and was dying to get it out of your pants.  We went to the bathroom to dump it (I had no clean diaper with me. Gross, I know.), and you walked out proudly, telling every nurse we passed "I potty!!" 

You're starting to put together little two-word sentences.  You'll tell us "I cold" or ask us "Where Lovie?" (a game you like to play).  Th other day I out you in a dress and you said "I pretty!"  Yes you are, sweet girl, yes you are!

In addition to talking so well, you know circle, triangle, square, heart, star, and plus sign, can recognize and name all colors, the letters r, o, t, k, e, h, and the number 2.  You can sing a lot of songs, and know the motions for most of them.

Weeeeee!

Five days before Christmas, I came down with the stomach virus.  It wasn't as terrible as it could have been, but still no fun.  Thankfully neither Chris nor Lucy got it!  Maybe it was something I ate?  It made me miss the last day before break.  How unfortunate, right?!

However, four days before Christmas, Lucy started acting weird...  It was Friday night and she had already gone to bed, but she woke up SCREAMING!  I went and got her, and she wanted to get down immediately.  She started pacing around her room as if she was nervous.  I tried to rock her, she didn't want to.  I tried to sing to her, she didn't want me to.  I tried giving her some bread, she didn't want to eat.  She didn't even want to drink.  She felt a little warm, but our thermometer registered no temp for her.  Then I noticed her shaking.  Like a nervous shake.  It worried me, but she eventually calmed down and passed out in my arms.  The next morning we were on our way to Newnan for Christmas with my family.  Lucy was running some fever, I could tell.  And she was very cranky!!  She slept most of the morning while Chris and I packed and most of the way to Newnan.  When we finally arrived, mom suggested we take her to the pediakare for kids place there.  I agreed.  By this point, her fever was sweltering at 102.7!  She tested negative for flu.  They assumed it was RSV, but said there was nothing they could do and sent us home.  This would make her second Christmas ever, and her second Christmas with RSV!

We ended up spending that night in Newnan so we could at least exchange gifts, and came home early the next day (Christmas Eve-Eve). Lucy was pitiful.  Still running fever.  Still not eating.

Christmas Eve was no different.  No improvements. We took her in to see Dr. Samper, who tested and confirmed for us that she did have RSV.  My heart was beginning to break.

The next day was Christmas, and I hoped and prayed all night that she would somehow feel a little bit better.  Enough to open and enjoy her presents that Santa had brought her.  She woke up very cranky and unhappy though.  Again, my heart broke.  She cried at her presents, hit them away, and screamed to go back to bed.  We attempted taking her to MaMa and Pops for their family Christmas thing, but Lucy was so sick, she and I came home early and she slept the whole rest of the day and all night that night. 

The day after Christmas, I called Dr. Ivey who was finally back on call.  He asked us to bring her in so he could see for himself what we were dealing with instead of going on hearsay.  We took her at 10:00 and I cried at the thought of them possibly having to put her in the hospital. 

I had read that while lots of children have RSV, only1-2% have to be hospitalized with it.  And of that 1-2% only a few cases are fatal.  WHAT??!?  That's part of what I get or googling, but my mommy heart felt scared that if she were already one of the 1-2%, what's keeping her from becoming one of the further few?

Dr. Ivey listened to her breathe, and monitored her oxygen (89%) and suggested we go across the street to the hospital to monitor her and help her get some oxygen to help her breathe a little easier.  My heart continued to break, and at those words, I felt like it was becoming harder for ME to breathe!    I felt guilt that we had not come in sooner, relief that she was finally getting the help she needed, and fear for what was to come.  

We had to come home and pack and really waste 45 minutes while they got her room ready.  I was a nervous wreck.

We got to the hospital and took her vitals, started her IV, etc.  it seemed we had to wait forever to receive orders from Dr. Ivey though, and until then, they couldn't even give her anything to drink.  Poor baby was thirsty!  The only thing I had with me was a jamocha shake from Arby's.  She sucked it down! 

Finally they received orders and her medical care was able to get going!  They monitored her oxygen level through a little monitor taped around her big toe.  It was hooked to a machine, and I learned quickly which numbers to watch.  They wanted her levels to be and stay at or above 95% on her own.  Lucy was at 89%.  Slowly, that number dropped, and I would alert the nurse each time.  Sh alerted respiratory.  I watched it drop from 89% - 87%.  The nurse said we needed to try to keep her awake, because oxygen levels naturally drop when we sleep, but Lucy was so tired.  The number dropped to 85% and she again paged respiratory.  As I watched that number drop to 83%, the nurse called for respiratory STAT, and we tried desperately to keep Lucy awake.  She was exhausted though.  She had not eaten in 5 days, and was just so so sick.  I was shaking her, singing to her, and stroking her hair.  She was limp and her eyes closed.  I prayed for God to not take my baby from me just yet.  I was not finished loving her here.  Chris finally said "Lucy, peek-a-......" And Lucy replied with the faintest and saddest sounding "boo."

Eventually respiratory came and Lucy found some fight in her as they attempted to put the oxygen mask on her.  She eventually gave up the fight and I was able to slip it on and tighten it to stay.  They wheeled us down to X-ray to check for pneumonia (which turned out clear), and we spent the remainder of our time in the room.

I curled up next to her and never left her side.  They said by law they had to have a crib in the room for her to sleep in, but I let her sleep in the hospital bed so I could lay beside her all day/night.  I wanted to watch her breathe.  And if I slept, I wanted to feel her breathe.  I did end up sleeping some, but not for long.  

MeMaw ended up coming and staying the night, too.  It was so much help having my mama there, because I was so scared!  

They kept bringing us both food, but neither of us ate it.  She didn't have her appetite back yet, and I just wasn't hungry from stress.

She had great nurses while she was there.  Each shift change made me nervous to see who we old get next, but each shift change brought an even better nurse than before.  Her last nurse was so sweet, trying anything and everything to get Lucy to eat.  She even went as far as to make Lucy a milkshake, since she had eaten some of mine the day before.  Lucy didn't want to eat the milkshake either, but that was okay.  Our goal was just to get her breathing on her own, and that we did!  Once she was able to nap and sleep without the oxygen mask in, but keep her levels at or above 95%, they let us go home!

Coming home was a relief, but I was still nervous.  She finally was able to enjoy some of her toys that Santa had brought, and started to eat animal crackers.

It wasn't the Christmas hi days we expected, in fact neither of her Christmases have been as she's been 2 for 2 with being pretty badly sick both times, but at least we got to spend them together and that she ended up healthy and well in the end!  :)